I feel like once again my life has spiraled out of control. It's slowly spinning into a vortex and I will never be able to get it back.

My fiance's dad had a stroke on the 20th of last month and even though he is in a rehab center, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I feel like my future has been cheated. My fiance had to quit his job in order to continue his dad's business going. Sure it pays a lot more money, but what matters to me is our independence from our parents. I also don't want my future husband having to support his family. I'm going to be his new family and I think it sucks that he's going to be burdened with being the head of two families.

It really kills me and it upsets me a lot. Not only that, but I just feel so stressed out and I feel like life has no meaning and excitement anymore. I tried coming to terms with myself and being awesome with myself, but I feel like it was a failed attempt. It's not what I want and I'm super let down about it.

I am trying my best to be there for him and support him without any hesitation, but I am afraid that I'm going to lose control one of these days. I've almost blown it twice since we got engagement. I feel like I'm the one that hurts him. I know he's trying his best for me and his family, but I want to be selfish after we get married. It's our family and I want him to focus on our family instead of his. Like, his mother can the head of the household and have help from his siblings. His sister that's 20 can totally help out by sacrificing a little bit and becoming a responsible adult. When I mention that, I feel like he just says "yes" so I can shut up. I don't think he understands or agrees with his siblings giving up to help out the family, and that upsets me.

Why does it upset me? Because I had to sacrifice and give up an awesome opportunity of being a dumb young adult going to full time college and getting her degree early. I had to throw that away and become an adult. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate what I have now, but I wish I could have enjoyed those years a bit more. I'm now 24 (about to turn 25) in July and I feel like I haven't lived at all. The only thing that I'm looking forward to is getting married, having children and my mum by making her happy and proud. I don't want anything ruining our future and I know I can't control what happens, but damn it I wish I had the power to. Life would be grand if we held the remote control to our lives. I have to leave this in God's hands and pray that things get better. He knows what he is doing and I trust him, but I hate that I am so afraid and sad with the choices. I don't want to be upset, but I see other individuals lives and I feel so sad. Girls have their dads, degrees (BA), an awesome job, married with children, nice car, a home.

I'm such a hater. I'm such a negative person. I'm trying to change that, but it's really hard. I try to be positive but something always brings me down.

Now my fiance doesn't even have time for me because he's too busy trying to run his father's business. I feel like this is how the future is going to be. The hard working busy husband and the wife lonely and depressed at home after work. I can just see that and it honestly makes me miserable. I don't want to end up divorced like my parents and many other couples. I want to have children with my husband and make an awesome life to my future kids. I'm so afraid.

I am very afraid because I have no control of what can happen. No control. I want to be selfish.

I want to be selfish.

I want to be selfish.

But, I will leave it in God's hands.