It's been a roller coaster of a day/night. It started off well and in the night it just ended up emotionally draining. I don't know what's going to happen in the future and I'm really freaking out about it. I don't know how much I'm going to be able to hold before I burst. It's going to be an adventure.

On Tuesday, I will be talking to my therapist and I am looking forward to that meeting very much. I can't wait to be able to express the regrets and anger from my heart without having to worry of hurting anybodies feelings. I feel like I'm caring a lot about everyone elses feelings and not my own. I am being so unfair to myself and I'm not loving myself the way I'm supposed to. It really sucks. No one caters to me. I am the only one who does, and at times I don't even cater to myself. I'm so angry that I am the way I am with myself because it shouldn't be like that. I should love myself and defend myself from anything that will hurt me. I'm a bad bodyguard to myself. Why is it that I walk on satin carpet for everyone else, but for myself I'll walk on freaking hot coals. I should care that my feet are burning.

It's really draining seeing what's going on right now. I feel like I can't hold on anymore and I'm slowly slipping. The thought of letting go and falling into the abyss is a bit frightening. I wonder if my dad is watching this. Would you be upset, daddy, to see that I am not happy? I wonder if my dad would lend me a hand to better my situation at the moment if he was alive today. My heart tells me he would be a huge help. That thought makes me happy.

I'm not even sure of what it is that I want anyway. I feel lost in everything at the moment. I ate the breadcrumbs I was supposed to leave behind to find my way back.

Great, he's snoring now. I have no idea how I'm going to sleep now. He's so loud and we talked and I made him cry and it broke my heart. It really broke my heart. It always breaks my heart to see him cry or tear up. I hate seeing him like that, but at the same time I hate seeing myself depressed and out of control.

Only God knows the future and time will tell what will happen with us and our future.