Today I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and I was going to vomit everything I had ever taken in. My stomach was hard and all I felt was like a cold hand was touching the bottom of my stomach and I felt sick. So sick and I wanted to start crying. What did I do? I called Jonathan and by hearing his voice, I was able to push that feeling away just a bit. The knot in my throat grew and so did the void in my chest. I needed to tell him! But I'm so embarrassed. He asked for space, so why can't I give it to him without being a big baby and making a big deal.

We hung up and then I texted him and told him how much I loved him and that he was the only one for me. He just replied with, "fairytears, I love you too." I wanted to pull my hair, scream and cry. That put beside everything I told him was nothing. I shouldn't whine or bother 'cause at least I got that reply, but compared to everything I told him that's nothing! Am I just being paranoid? 90% of me tells me I am but I don't know what else to think.

He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space. He needs his space.

I really don't want him to start liking someone else because that will just end up killing me. I actually pray to God and ask God to make me fall in love with someone else before Jonathan is able to break my heart.

Mr. S is perfect but I think he has a girlfriend. Yet he is perfect and I have a crush on him but I don't want him. I want Jonathan. Jonathan is all I think about and he is all I want to be with and associated with.

I need a lot of distraction. A lot of distraction. Tomorrow I'll be going to Cecilia's viewing with my supervisor and Laura. Today I might watch Bleach and catch up on Naruto... Friday? I'm leaving work early at 4 and going to figure out what to do. I can't be bored at home doing nothing because I'll just be depressed and that's not good. I really need to get a car. I don't want to be thinking about the issue. I want time to pass so I can be happy again.

Happy again.