Dear Diary,

Well today is a BAD day...My great grandpa PapaCha died today in around 1:30am its so sad cuz well he was like my faith person. I woke up 10 minutes after he died and they told me but I didnt cry but right now since im alone I feel it heavy on my eyes and im crying cuz I will miss him although I only saw him like 4 times in my whole life. The last time I saw him was in the year 1998. He died at age 100. He helped me a lot and he knew the bible by memorie. Rest in Peace PapaCha. Que Dios le Bendiga y cuidenos mucho. Georges mom is in the hospital and shes really bad it sucks cuz im really close to her shes like my 4th grandma I do hope that she gets well cuz omg I cant stand another loss. My Great Grandma MamaPaca is very sick and im afraid that were loosing her slowly but I dont want to loose her. I dont wanna loose anyone nomore. Too many people are leaving me. Im scared so scared. My grandma MamaConstanza is sick too last week she got out of the hospital and well anyday she could go back it sucks. My grandpa PapaIsrael is doing fine thanks to god hes getting better. My grandma MamaMarina is leaving to El Salvador at 11:00PM today that is why everyone is not here cuz everyone is leaving for the PapaCha's Burial thats gonna be held on wednesday. My aunt Margoth and Margarita are going to be gone for like 2 weeks. Home Alone in the afternoons. I bet that that would of made me happy last week but now I dont care. My mom wants to go to El Salvador cuz well she was raised by him and MamaPaca and its really sad that my mom cant go see. Im telling her to go but she cant cuz whose gonna watch over us?? Anyways going back to me feeling happy last week, today I dont know I feel different more mature. Today a lot of stuff have come up and ive thought about them. Ill talk about them here. One of them is me not being happy with how I look and am I am very dissappointed on how I look but after this I dont care cuz beauty is in the inside and whoever dont like me o well its their loss cuz im a really great person and stuff. But like I am pretty foreals today I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked at my beautiful eyes, I saw my lips small but there perfect for me so plump lol, my skin color so PERFECT all chocolatty (sp) my cheeks there all good. I also looked at my body but with my body im still dissappointed cuz I want the perfect slim body. I cant surrender myself to the fact that I cant become skinny..well theres this one way that ive been thinking but it scares me..Throwing up after you eat but well I told my cousin LUIS about me doing that and hes like "Do you want me to shoot you when I see you cuz you do that shit?" it made me cry cuz I thought to myself *wow he really does care for me* You know there might be a lot of people who care for me or maybe little people but I know one thing Luis does care for me and he says Im not fat and im good like myself. Jonathan tells me the same thing but I dont know. Why cant I see that im good how I am WHY CANT I??? WHY!!!!!??? Why do I have to be always doubting stuff? Why do I start to cry for stupid little things?? Why cnat I be happy??? WHY WHY WHY WHY????????? Too many freaking whys for me ITS KILLING ME!!!! Im crazy I know but who cares I need to straighten a lot of stuff. You know my life sucks! I dont have a family. It hurts me seeing other kids on tv having there perfect family and there all together with love I know that its just TV but why cant life be like Tv so wonderful?? When I have my family im not gonna let what happened to my family happen again Im gonna take care of MY family...im gonna be a good Mom Im gonna LOVE my husband so much omg you wont believe how much im gonna love him...im gonna LOVE my kids so much too I dont want them to suffer how im suffering actually how I suffered cuz it sucks it really does. I dont have no one to talk to..well I do but I dont know there either busy or I think that I bore them but im so glad that I have a diary cuz I can write my feelings down and I know that you wont laugh at me or think im stupid or get bored. Cuz thats why you were invented so you can help a lot of people with their probs I think lol. You know when my parents split since I didnt tell anyone my feelings I would get sick a lot and shit and well then my sister gave me a Minnie Diary and I started to write things down and I felt a lot better foreals. I still have it and now that I read it over and over I think to myself. Wow my life has changed a lot and So have I. Im not a little girl no more. Im a Young Woman. It may seem like I havent matured (lol) But I have matured in a lot of ways. cept the self esteem thing but Im working on it. Im gonna make a goal for myself. Im determined to raise my self esteem YUP :) By Friday I should check up and I should be on my way to success. If I had help id probably do it faster but im not going to tell anyone so they dont think im crazy or sumthing. Well going to School Stuff. Nothing Exciting happened today. I was DOZED OFF. DONT THINK WRONG. lol Jonathan isnt online he must be busy or sumthing..im glad that he has a life. Hes gonna be sumone whose gonna exceed in life very well. Im Proud of You Baby :) Hopefully Ill have a nice future too. I know I will if I improve in alot of stuff. Well I have to go cuz I think that im gonna log off cuz no ones online. Thanks for listening to me. BYE

Sarahi Molina