Whats today? It is Wednesday April 7, 2004 and once again it is boring. When will my life get fun again? It is spring and well Easter is coming up. What will we do that day? After that its Summer and the time for the beach comes up I still have to buy a new bathing suit cuz well my boobs have grown and yeah.

Time is going by so fast, its scaring me. I dont want to be old yet. I want to enjoy my teenage years. I only have like 3 more years till im 20. 20! then ill be a young adult and ill have to work and go out and face the real cruel world alone. I want to be 16 for a long time! I dont want it to go by that fast. Seriously I dont. Im scared to lose my parents, my sisters and brother, my friends and the rest of my family. I really am. For me the more we grow up the more frightened I get of losing the special people in my life. Gosh im a big scaredy cat yeah I am. Look its already April soon it will be May then before you know it, it will be July and ill be 17. *sighs* Why do I think so much? That scares me foreals it does. Im weak lol. Ive noticed.

I talked wif Jonathan last night and he fell asleep on the phone. I thought that he had gotten in trouble and then like he hung up (I think) I know it wasnt me cuz I didnt press any button. I kinda got upset cuz well I thought that he had gotten in trouble. Then I tried calling him again and well I kept hanging up cuz I was like "What if he did get in trouble and ill just make it worse?" Then he called me back and told me he had fallen asleep and well yeah I told him to go back to sleep cuz well I knew thats what he wanted to do.

I watched the Hulk today and I really liked that movie. Bruce is hot lol he is. He is cute when hes the Hulk im like "Omg! Look at his gorgeous eyes!" *drools* lol geeze im so retarded..The girl is pretty whats her name?...Jennifer Connelly(sp) yeah. Ill shut up about the movie now lol yeah..

I had a dream/nightmare last night. Ill tell you about it. I remember it very well. It made me cry so much seriously it did. I was pregnant and well I told my parents and they got mad at me for getting pregnant. So im like walking towards this one place. While im walking my dad calls this one doctor to tell him that I will do an abortion. But I dont know about it cuz well I dont want to do it. I want to keep the baby you know? So then while im walking a car parks infront of me and a lot of guys surround me and one of them grabs me and ties me up and covers my mouth and tells me to shut up. They throw me inside a car and put me to sleep. When I wake up im laying on this bed and im tied to it. I look down and I see that my legs are all scratched up and that the sheets are covered in blood. I then look at my stomach and I see that its flat and I start to scream "What happened to my baby!?" and the doctor appears by me and says that im not going to be a mother that my baby has been taken away from me and that its now dead. I start to cry and scream cuz I didnt want that to happen. Then the doctor unties me and gives me my clothes and after im dressed he kicks me out and im in so much pain both physically and emotionally. I start walking and I see my mom. My mom sees me and I ask her what has happened and why have they done this to me. She tells me that it was the right thing to do, that I was too young to be mother. I start to cry and yell at her my mom tries to hug me but I push her away. Then I ask her what the gender of the baby was and shes like "It was a girl" After she said that my eyes get filled with tears and I sink to the floor and I just start crying and wishing to die. My mom then asks me to tell her what Im going to name the baby so that they can bury her. I look up and I see both my parents staring at me and I just glare at them and I tell them that my baby's name will only be known to me and not to anyone else. I then start to cry again and everything becomes a blur and I wake up. When I woke up I was crying! I was like "Omg! my baby!" Seriously and I just pulled my blankets up to my face and continued to cry.

I told my mom about the dream and she told me that neither her or my dad would ever do that. I felt relieved when she told me. Then after she left I got sad again just remembering the dream.Then while making my bed I tried remembering what I had named the baby in my dream and I remembered that I had named her Angelique one of the names I want to name one of my kids. But that was really freaky. I hope that never happens. NEVER.