I really wish I could have waited until I was married to give myself to the man that I love. The moment and day it happened felt right but I honestly think it was done because I wanted to keep something that I thought I was losing. I was being immature and wanted to keep it against the forces of nature. I'm still with him but I wish I could have waited. I don't regret the person I did it with but I do regret doing it before being married. It's more symbolic doing it with your husband the first night that you are officially together in matrimony.

I love him with all my heart and I want to marry him, but i'm just scared. Really scared of what the future holds for me and us. I'm really scared. I feel like I'm not living life because of my fear of the future. I want to grow old with him and have children with him. I don't want to die or have him leave me. I don't consider myself strong to continue if anything happened. I'm so afraid.

Yet there are times when I wonder if we're better off going our own separate ways? I have no idea what the future holds for us but I'm just scared.

I feel so dumb. I'm going to go now.