It's been three months since I got married. Honestly, I am not happy because of myself. My husband does what he can to make me happy, and he does. I've become so self conscious and bitter with myself. I get upset easily at almost everything I do and sometimes at what he does. It's not because I don't like what he does, I think it's because I am annoyed at the fact that I can't just be happy with myself. I think I've become fat and I have issues with being intimate with my own husband. It's horrible that I can't bring myself to advance on him and initiate any type of intimacy. It saddens me and when I try to search my brain for that strength, all I get is an empty response.

My therapist said that if I continue to think negative then whatever it is I imagine will become real. I think now that I am a horrible wife, so does that mean that that's the reason why my marriage might end? Because I think? Maybe in this diary I can write why I can't bring myself to become a sex chick. Before I was married and we became really serious I was kind of obsessed with sex. It makes me wonder if because of that I am being punished now? It's scary to think that due to the pleasures of when I was young I can no longer enjoy it now that I can have sex without guilt.

WHAT IS IT? WHY CAN'T I BE THE GIRL I WANT TO BE? WHY AM I SO WEIRD? UGH. I'm so disgusted with how I am. I just want to not get upset and enjoy my husband and my marriage. I feel like it's been forever, even though it's only been 3 months. Perhaps I should go to a sex class and learn how to be more active. Ugh.

ULSKDJfl;JDKFLjdsl;jfalsjdflawjflawjflsd WTF!?!?!?!? How does one learn to become a good wife??? It's so hard! People and family told me that things would be different after marriage and I didn't think it would be true. I figured it was going to be easy because we knew each other for so long, but living together I have realized how bitter and serious I am. This really sucks because I ask myself if this is who I really am? Am I really this bitter old woman in a young girls body? Before getting married I wanted to have kids and be happy, but now thought of having children saddens me. Am I going to be a good mum? I won't know until I am one, but it frightens me.

I have so much things running around in my head. I need to live in the now and stop thinking for people. I need to stop creating images and letting my imagination run wild with my thoughts and predictions. Perhaps I should go back into writing so that I can put those negative thoughts out of my head. Do you think that will help? I would love write a story of beautiful love, but I'll probably end up writing about depression and sadness because that's what I think I feel most of the time. If not sadness then I feel anger. I don't know why I am angry. I have no idea. I'm so full of anger, but I don't know why.

Is it because of my father leaving this world? Do I feel incomplete because he is gone? I'm not angry with God, I'm not, but I feel so sad. I know that life is short and God has plans for all of us, but it's so hard to be okay with the fact that my father is gone. It hurt the most on my wedding day and he wasn't there to see me in my dress. I have no idea if he really saw me from above, but I wanted to see his face. I want to hear his voice. I want to know what he would say and think. God please, I want to hear his voice. Even if it's just from a video tape recording. My heart hurts knowing that I forgot how my father talks. I want to see his kind face smiling at me. I miss him so much. I miss him calling me my nickname.

I remember being in the hospital room just looking at him. I bury it in the back of my head, but I will never forget the final moments with my dad. I love you daddy. I love you so much and I miss you. I miss you so much and I hope I never make you ashamed. Daddy, I have so much to tell you. I hurt so much because you're not here. People tell me that memories are supposed to make me happy, but in reality all they do is sadden me. I will never have those moments again or feel those feelings again. In my mind I imagine you hugging me and I remember the details in your hands and in your face. I remember so much. Your gray hair on your side burns and throughout your hair. Your feet and well kept toes and toenails. I remember how you dried your feet after showers and those black shorts that you always used at home. Did you know that I have them? I also have your leather wallet that you had for years. I have the boots you wore when you had that horrible accident. Your socks. Daddy, I miss you and I love you. Why did you leave? Hug me daddy. I miss you so much and I can't take it anymore. I can't. Life is so boring and so robotic. I feel like I pay attention to the negative because I lost you. I lost you. And because I lost you, everything has lost it's color for me. I don't know when I'll be able to get my vision back. When you were in the hospital, you looked so hurt. Your bruised forehead and oh my gosh daddy, that wasn't you. You were never weak and that day you were weak. You looked so foreign in a hospital bed with your eyes closed. Your tummy felt hard and your warm arms moved so freely daddy. I love you so much. I love you so much daddy.

Nobody can paint a beautiful picture in my eyes. I do love my husband and he makes me happy, but I feel like I won't be able to fully enjoy.

I miss you a lot and I love you. I just wish I could talk to you on last time. Just clear the air between us. I want to apologize for hurting myself and I want to tell you what an awesome father you are. How much I admire you and that I forgive you for cheating on mum. I'm not upset about that because I love you daddy, but if you ever felt that I was upset with you about that... I'm not. It wasn't fair for mum because I was so mean and I know I have my punishment with my kids coming up, but daddy you are my daddy and will forever will be. Please don't feel like you let us down. I know how much you loved us and what you wanted to do for us. In my head I will always replay the last conversation we had on the phone. I know how much it meant for you to get us a house and I don't want you to feel like you failed, because you didn't. Daddy, you didn't fail. I would tell you that everything is okay. I would ask you what you think of my husband and if you saw my wedding from up there. Were you okay with my tio walking me down the aisle? Daddy, what did you think?

I guess this is the only place where I can have a one sided conversation with you, huh? I love you.