Listening to: Good Charlotte-Hold On

Dear Diary,

Well today at school everything went cool...I told my friends of how I felt yesterdasy cuz well Carol read my diary and she said it made her cry cuz she feels like I feel..My friends said I needed to open up more I guess I do its cuz im afraid of opening up wif people cuz theyll say "Oh shut up were tired of your whiney ass" or "Shut up your stupid" or sumfin ya know? but ill try to open up more. Well today when I got home I just laid on my bed and read a book I checked out its called A DANCE FOR THREE and its really good but its sad its about this girl (Hannah) she is the g/f of Milo and well they have sex and she ends up pregnant at 15 and well she tells him that and he punches her in the face and calls her a whore and slut and all these mean names and she just goes ballistic cuz she thought that he was going to marry and her and they would be happy living with their baby..at first she thinks that milo hit her cuz she cought him at a mad state so she sneaks in his car and then Milo is wif his ex (Mimi) in the car and he kisses her and tells mimi that hannah is a slut, whore and all these other stuff and that he was only wif her to fuck her and stuff and Hannah is hearing all of this hiding behind the car and well finally when the coast is clear Hannah gets out of the car and she goes home and she goes ballistic and she cuts her face with a razor and well her neighbor calls the cops and they think shes crazy and they take her to a rehabilitation center and well she doesnt understand why shes in there but pretty soon she becomes thankful that shes in there cuz she understands now and then finally one night she can go out wif one of her friends (Trilby) and they go to a concert and she shes Milo wif Mimi and Milo flips her off and she goes back to the rehabilition center and there shes happy but shes sad cuz Milo hates her and so on well im not finished reading it but when I do ill tell you what happens ok?? but omg that book is so beautiful! I love it now I checked it out today and im going to finish it today! Anyways going back to me I feel a little better I talked wif Jonathan yesterdasy and he helped me out a lot I really appreciate him foreals I do and I hope that he knows that. Well my mom is got me sad a while ago cuz well the phone rang and I answered it and it was GEORGE and I said in a disgusted look "Its george" and I handed her the phone and she pushed the phone back at me and is like "Pues Hablale!" I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO HIM!! HE WAS CALLING YOU MOM!!!! HE DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO ME NO ONE DID HE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU SO WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME TALK TO HIM!!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!WHY!!!WHY!!!!!...sorry then I talk to him and when were done I pass the phone to her and she glares at me I just go back to me reading and when she hung up wif him shes like "DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO JONATHAN LIKE YOU TALKED WIF GEORGE!?!?!?!" I just stared at her and im like "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING UP JONATHAN WHENEVER YOU GET MAD AT ME FOR DOING SUMFIN TO GEORGE!?" and I realized that I kinda snapped at her so I lowered my voice and I said I was sorry and I she told me that if I kept it up she was going to punish me and I just looked down and I told her I was sorry again she just ignored me and I went back to my book...I guess things wif my mom are going to keep being the same..shes only nice really nice to me when im sick or when I look like im going to die...maybe if *sumone* were to die shed probably be sad cuz she was never close to that person..Dunno..Its a question that keeps circling in my head and I cant get it out so yeah I finished reading Carols Diary it made me want to cry but I didnt cry cuz well my mom would of asked me why the fuck I crying I Love Carol a lot cuz well we have a lot in common and stuff She needs me and I need her we need each other a lot *tear* it just made me sad cuz well she wrote that she was crying cuz she thinks shes ugly and fat..but she is very beautiful and really wonderful..I guess she feels like that cuz well she met Alfi yesterdasy and he like walked off and she thinks that she scared him off but thats not true Carol! I luv you lots and I bet that thats not why he left listen to carlin what he told her I luv you foreals and it just gets me sad seeing you sad but im so glad that you were happy/hyper today lol you passed the dancing thing to me today lol yeah you made me feel happy and im sorry again for making you cry yesterdasy but yeah I feel like shit cuz well yeah I think...anyways Imma write two stories that I wrote several days ago and the second one yesterdasy I like the first one cuz I think its pretty..

*Hurting Heart

I stood in the middle of a beautiful garden. Filled with anger and sadness I just looked at the sparkling lake. I took out the knife and held it to my chest. Tears began running down my cheek. I lifted the knife and dug it deep in my heart. I felt the pain run through my body. I gently laid myself on the soft grass. While I waited for death I closed my eyes and thought to myself *This is thelast time that my heart will be hurt. Guys will never hurt my heart, thats why I did this so that it wont hurt no more.* I felt the last tear run down my cheek and I sighed then, I was gone.

Hiding

Glaring at my reflection I see someone who cant live life to the fullest. Who is lost in dreams and fantasies alike. Gently I cry while I see others pass by life with ease while I try to survive it but cant! I look at myself, this girl who hides her real self behind beautiful curtains of misery. Someday ill wake up and when I do it will all be ok...maybe or maybe it will be the same. So for now I shall go and keep making people believe I am truly happy when I am really very sad.*

Pretty huh?? Anyways imma go cuz I want to finish reading the book ill tell you about it tomorrow ok?? Nite. Bye.

Shalay