I'm on a mission to become a mum. Crazy huh? Who knew that I would ever want to become a mother! It is a bit frustrating because I'm finding it hard, but I suppose we shall see with time. I have no idea the next time I come writing in here if I will be with child.

I'm very emotional right now. I was listening to Metallica The Unforgiven and I remembered my father. He really liked that band and I think that was his favorite song. I'm not sure. It's not the same. I know I have written in here many times about him but I just can't wrap my arms and thoughts that he is gone. Nine freaking years have passed and I haven't spoken to him in nine years! That is very tiresome. I don't know what to do. It hurts so much. Nobody understands. Nobody knows the huge whole in my heart that will never be filled.

He won't meet his grand kids. I wanted to know what type of grandfather he would be. I'm pretty sure he would have loved them so much just like he did us. I want to see you smiling daddy. I miss you so much. I'm sorry if I don't talk to you anymore. I want to talk to you daddy. You'll be in my heart. I hate that I can't make more memories with you dad. I can't even make memories with Mama Constanza because she is no longer here either.

I have a cat, daddy. You would love her! I love her with all my heart and I wish you could have met her. Just like I wish you could have met my husband and my future kids. I haven't met them either but I know the day I meet them I will tell them about you. About your wild personality and brave heart! Your kind and brave heart. I'm sorry I always grasp at you in my time of weakness, but I miss you so much. My heart always breaks at the sad songs that make me think of you. I cry and left my frustration out bit by bit. I can't really cry in front of people. Not my husband or my mum. They don't understand the pain. Nobody will understand that hunger to hear and speak with someone.

I'm trying to conceive, daddy, but I think it's difficult. I know you and mum conceived me on the first try! You guys are lucky. I hope my kid looks like you dad. I hope he or she has your awesome personality. I talked with my husband about having one of our kids in September for you. He was happy about it. I feel like sometimes I tire him with my depressing mood. I'm mostly angry or sad. I feel bad because he blames himself for not making me happy. I have already told him that he makes me happy but I don't make myself happy. I am happy, daddy. I just miss you so much and it hurts. I'm so upset about it, but I miss you.

I'll continue to miss you dad. I love you.